Wednesday, June 29, 2011

I miss it.

No powerful nor bombastic words can describe.
Enough said.

Tuesday, June 21, 2011

Forever me

Imagine this, life is like a piece of paper. Your parents taught you how to hold a pencil or a pencil color or crayons, they tell you the colors, the bright ones, the dull ones, they taught you how to paint. In life, you were given a piece of blank paper. And it's you who draw it, color it, decorate it. Eraser does exist, but it can't rub off mark-less-ly.

My sister and I, we came from the same womb, we have the same mom, same dad, same first name. Yes, we're biological sisters. But that doesn't mean we have the same attitude, same personality. I don't like to be paint with the same brush. Hello? We're two different person. We have a contrast character, opposite attitude and different aspiration. Even twins do.

She, being the eldest one among us, being the first one to go through every steps, but that doesn't mean I have to take her footsteps, right? Remembered when I was in form 4, I got into a science stream class. My sister? She took an account stream. My parents expected me to switch to account stream. Not to look down on me, but they said I might not address it as it is tougher compared to account stream. I know it's tougher, harder, I might not get it in my head. But I just want to prove that they're wrong. Nothing is impossible. As a saying goes, 'when there's a will, there's a way'.

Results? They ain't so good, but they ain't bad either. Sufficient enough to get myself into local university. Yes, I got two offers, matriculation and one more in local university. It's a pretty good opportunity, but my dad, he won't let me in. My sister? Again, she applied for a professional course in a college, somewhere around this town. Over again, my dad asked me to take any courses available in the same college. And I did. Okay with that. That's not my point.

Point is, things have been a little bit different now. My sister, she started wearing scarf couples of months ago. And I don't. I know it's a good thing to wear it, but I'm not ready. I don't want to commit myself with it. When I'm ready, I'll do it. I'll do it for God's sake. Not my parents. And when I do, I want to clean myself from everything. My sister is more polite, she's sweet, and soft-spoken compared to me. People tend to expect the same thing from me. In every aspect of life. No, I'm not like that. We're different. My sister come clean about something she did quite recently. It's not a major problem, but the fact that she hides it from us. Which I will never do. Point is, nobody's perfect.

What I'm trying to say is, I'm a mortal, who are just even with anyone else standing in this world. I may not be as hardworking as my sister, I can't do accounts, and know what? She can't do chemistry either. She may be a little bit smarter than I am in languages, and may be I'm a little bit smarter in mathematics, probably.

You know, we were born with unique specialities. And yet, we are not perfect either. We have flaws, everyone does, but it just that it's in different ways. Indirectly, we're even.

The paper, make it as beautiful as you can. Do the outlines before you color it, so if you use a wrong color, you are capable of changing the color before you color the whole thing. The mark earlier, they ain't going nowhere, but at least, you know it's not suitable and that shall alert you to be more careful in choosing a right color for your drawing.

Friday, June 10, 2011


Though there are thousands of hits songs being broadcast on the radio, I ideally listen to old tunes. It's not that I do not listen to all these new released songs, I do. I do listen to Bruno Mars, Taylor Swift, Big Time Rush, The Ready Set, A Rocket To The Moon, Keri Hilson, et cetera, et cetera. They have aptitude for music, they're smashing!

But someway, old tracks make me feel, warm and calm and motivated and inspired. They're classic and, and they're wonderful. Each song has a very deep meaning, and it's mostly implicit. That's the preponderance of oldies, which I like the most. It's not explicitly stated. And they're ageless, they never really did worn me out. Babyface, Luther Vandross, Boys ii Men, James Ingram, 98 Degrees, Brian McKnight, Eric Clapton, KC & Jojo, Shania Twain, oh my, if I have to make a list of best-loved, it's going to be long-drawn-out.

There are lots of them, but here are some of my favorite lifetime oldies :

#1 That's What Friends Are For
#2 More than Words
#3 Will You Wait For Me
#4 One Sweet Day
#5 Everytime You Go Away
#6 Tears in Heaven
#7 Stay The Same
#8 Find 100 Ways
#9 Remember Me This Way
#10 A Promise I Make
#11 You'll Never Stand Alone
#12 Dance With My Father Again
#13 Nothing's Gonna Change My Love For You
#14 I'll Stand By You
#15 Sorry For The Stupid Things
#16 Nobody Knows
#17 The Hardest Thing
#18 Hard To Say I'm Sorry
#19 I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For
#20 Drama, Love and Relationships

People tend to say it's love songs. Literally, they are. But the word 'love' isn't as a matter of course supposed to be your lover. Boyfriends or girlfriends. Love is for everybody. Parents, siblings, families, friends, all of them. You're highly think of your partner and pay no heed to value your nearest and dearest.

Tuesday, June 7, 2011


'For everything you have missed, you have gained something else, and for everything you gain, you lose something else.'

- Ralph Waldo Emerson -

Wednesday, June 1, 2011

Result. :/

Here's the thing, a day before the pre endorsed final result accessible in CMS, my coordinator had sent me a text, just to notify me about it. I can't sleep that freaking night thinking that I might flunk those two subjects I hate the most. Thinking that maybe I need to re-sit the paper again. I kept it to myself and did not tell my parents about it. Soon after that, one of my classmate rang me and she said she knew my result. I was shaking and stammering throughout the phone call. *true story* So she did mention my grades, just grades as in A, B or C, specifically, not.

The day after, I woke up in an unpleasant emotion, the result in some way give me the heebie-jeebies. I had my breakfast early in the morning, take my own sweet time, the fact that, kalau boleh tak nak tau result. But I have to bear with it, of course, I can't take a minute back, so I ran upstairs, switched on my laptop and direct to my college's homepage. And I was shivering from the very first second. The grades told by my friend was wholly true.

I grabbed the nearest calculator and start calculating my grade point average. I re-calculate for a number of times and I got the same number again and again and I cried for some reasons. I dialed up Syahirah, knowing that we always exhange results so on and stuffs like that, so I buzz her first. Just to let her the first one to know after my family. She didn't picked up and she rang me back immediately. Said she haven't take a look at it and asked me a favor to check it for her. So I did, and she turn out to get pretty good outcome. Hey, congratulation. I forgot to say it yesterday.

Facebook, twitter, it was full of yay me and stuffs. See, it's not that I'm not happy with my result, I do, I am happy with it, but the fact that I actually dropped my pointer, who would like it? But genuinely, I am grateful, and I couldn't give more gratitude to God who always there when everybody leaves. Who never give up on me, though I might be the most rebellious creature He ever made, there's no end of gratitude to You.

To all my lecturers, I know I have said this, but I just feel like doing it one more time. :) Thank you for every single thing you've done for me. Every. I know I talk a lot sometimes, I get you on your nerves, things like that, I'm awfully sorry. Thank you for made me who I am today.

Saturday, May 28, 2011

Damsel's wont.

She could hear the steps on the stairs, the sound of the washing machine running just close to her, the sound of flicking on the lights once or twice, thrice maybe. Within a second she could hear the water from the bathroom which is just few steps away from her bed. She could hear someone is calling her pet name, just a two-letter word, which sounds more endearment. The sounds of birds chirping, quite calms her in the morning. She wakes up before the sun rises, rub her sleepy eyes, and get in to the toilet pretty damn quick to brush her teeth in the first place.

Dawdling to the lower floor and grab the car keys, move the gear from parking to drive, hit the road to send off her sister to school. Back home, grab some bread, spread on some nutella, back to bed and catch her forty winks without delay. Turn on the fan, make sure the curtain meet each end, just to block the sunshine from coming through her windows, which may distract her doze.

Less than an hour later, roughly, she could hear someone is calling her with her pet name again. But this time, it's a guy. Get up in involuntary and heard 'let's go out for breakfast, get ready.' Shall be ready in less than 15 minutes and right away leave the house for breakfast.

Back home in one hour or perhaps half an hour later, it depends. She starts doing some boring chores, catch some movies, too lazy to make up her bed, too lazy to put her garments in the cupboard, too lazy to do everything. Turn on her laptop and start surfing until her fingers are numb, until she needs to loosen up her joints. How long could it be? Four hours, five? She's not sure herself.

Loafing around the house, aimless, trying to work something out, yet nothing. Spend the whole evening by watching movies or whatever she could possibly do before get back to sleep. And noiselessly waiting for tomorrow to come, and go through the same day as she did today.

And yes, that's how my days come and go. Pretty much monotonous, but I don't care much, X.

Thursday, May 26, 2011

Linwood Barclay

"Dear Anyone : This is a letter from one anyone to another anyone, no names required, because nobody really knows anybody anyway. Names don't make a hell of a lot of difference. The world is made up entirely strangers. Millions and millions of them. Everyone is a stranger to everyone else. Sometimes we think we know other people, especially those we supposedly are close to, but if we really knew them, why are we so often surprised by the shit they do? Like, parents are always surprised by what their kids do. They raise them from the time they were babies, spend each and every day with them, think they're these goddamn fucking angels, and then one day the cops come to the door and say hey, guess what, parents? Your kid just bashed some other kid's head in with a baseball bat. Or you're the kid, and you think things are pretty fucking okay, and then one day this guy who's supposed to be your dad says so long, have a nice life. And you think, what the fuck is this? So years later, your mom ends up living with another guy, and he seems okay, but do you think, when's it coming? That's what life is. Life is always asking yourself, when's it coming? Because if it hasn't come for a long, long time, you know you're fucking due. All the best, Anyone."

Adapted from No Time For Goodbye

Friday, May 20, 2011

Break rest.

After ten hellish days of stressing myself with final, it's finally over. How trouble-free it is to get over examinations. Hee. Though I did not do quite well, I hope everything going to be fine. I wish to get flying colors result, of course. But Malaysian Studies and Creative Communication Production was out of my league! 'A' is so un-get-able. :(

Future semester, I know you’ll be waiting patiently for me. And for that, please be as pleasurable as you can. I can’t wait to meet you, but somehow I got to have a time of my life with holidays. Till then, shall we date in July.

Nonetheless, supreme appreciation to all pedagogues' endeavor to educate us throughout the semester. With you, we're towering proud. :)

Monday, May 16, 2011


As everyone's aware, today is 16th May, a day, the entire world is celebrating teacher's day. To all teachers in the world, have a blast. :)

So here it goes, everyone has someone to lean on, to cry on, to have one's shoulder, it's not as easy as pie you know, people come and go in your life. As for me, I have her. :)

She's a friend of mine, a sister and a company wherever I go. Though we had and we shall have thousands, millions of arguments each day, she stills the one I'll be looking for. We knew each other since we were thirteen, but we get closer when we were fifteen. Eh, how cool is that? Both of us take different paths in life, but no matter where we go, no matter what we do, we take a little of each other everywhere. ♥

Here is what I’m trying to say, she was a stranger to me 7 years ago, she was my friend since then, my best friend since we're fifteen, and now she’s more than a sister to me. Though new friends came along throughout the way, hey, trust me, they ain’t like you. Things we shared, ain’t comparable. Though I may not appreciate some of your presence, though I may not give all smiles throughout the day, I’m just letting you know that I am eternally grateful for each time you stick around when everyone leaves.

Thank you for all the advices that I was not listening, the limelight that I was oblivious, all the time that I was not thankful, and all the smiles that I was frowned. You're my educator, my motivator, Nurul Syahirah Noor Azman. :')

p/s : Fyi, she will be a teacher someday. :)

I heart you, always.

Wednesday, May 4, 2011

I know you a whit in this age.

Beginning the past fortnight, I'm all clueless about what is transpiring. Still and all, I'm trying to twig the circumstances. I've done wrongs, I can sense that, which I reckon everybody does make mistakes. Human nature, have you ever heard of it? And I comprehend if you go berserk for a little while, but do you think it's entitle for a small mistake? You decide.

I doubt so. But that is your way. Not mine. Everyone has their, let's say unique ways. But erratically cold treatment doesn't solve the difficulty. Sarcasm does not always come to an end with contentment. Take a pick. A second of satisfaction or a long term unspoken talks?

*paused* I miss the times we had. I'm not the only one who has been noticing your changes. Others did. Take a moment and ponder what has been wrong in this state of time.

P/s : If you're ingenious enough to read a shot, you'll distinguish the effortless significance.

Monday, April 25, 2011

A Friend or Foe?

A friend is define as a person whom knows everything about you. One who knows and accept your imperfection with whole heart. Friends come and go, walk in and walk out in your life. No one has ever guarantee that they'll be there at the end of your life. But in some way, when you trust your friend, when you have faith in them, you'll place at least a little credence that they will be there whenever you need them.

I've been living in this planet for almost a couple of decades and I've seen lots of people with zillions behavior. Quite recently, I knew a friend who was a friend by name. And as I said for a zillion times again, I’m eighteen and I make mistakes. I'm not saying it's a goof by knowing her, but perhaps I should have drawn a fine line between us. She's nice, no doubt. But then I just wake up and being very conscious that everything they said was absolutely right. Where deep down, I whispered to myself 'I should have listened to them'. But then again, regardless of what they have judged her, let's just keep it to myself, as I think everyone in the entire world did criticize others.

And now as time goes by, I felt uneasy in her presence. There was once, after some time, I went out lunch with her, where, I don't feel the so-called-comfortableness I used to have heretofore. I hardly share things with her at the moment. And I get real awkward to just be left alone with her. Enough said.

We were close as thick as thieves, but not anymore. Look back on, who was the one calling for whom? Who did asked favors from whom? Bet she disremember that. My amigo once said 'not all friends are kept'. And know what? It's not fallacious. Remember back, what did trigger me to pulled myself out. I’m not raking up the past, but nah, guess you know better, chum.

I guess the previous post was too in a roundabout way or maybe unselfish for you. And if you're contemplating this post as selfishness, one thing left to say, I digested that from you. And for what is happening now, for what I've made another party felt when I was tight-knit with you, I guess I'm collecting my paybacks now. The world goes round. The end.

P/s : Oh, by the way, I don't buy your chivalry anymore. Please do commit to your memory.

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

What you see is not always what they mean.

When you first met one person, or get to know a person, everything seem to be very pleasing. Everything about them are flawless. You like the way they treat you, the way the speak to you, the way they laugh, everything. In other word, you fall for their amiability. And somehow I believe what they said, that in this phase, our body produces myriad of endorphins that make us feel outlandishly happy.

But question is, how long does it lasts? A month or two? A year? In time you'll get to know them better. It's where you realize that they are human being. They aren't perfect, they have flaws. Where in sooth, you can't accept their vile behavior. Think again, you are a human being too. You have flaws. Everybody does. They might dislike your odious behavior as well. Take that in your account.

I've been there, done that. It's a sheer bullshit I must say here. But what I muse on until hell freezes over, we know that it's going to happen and yet we tend to let ourselves drown in it.

Friday, April 15, 2011

Yes You Are.

For one thing I'm unhesitating, I'm not your slave nor your writer. I jotted down whatever I need for myself and certainly not for you. I just don't get the drift why is it so arduous to write yourself? #questionsisometimesponder

Get access!

TWITTER ultimately. :)

After hours of hellish break without anything better-off to do yesterday while waiting for French class, I've finally signed up an account for twitter. *applause* bahaha. Consequently, I've been twitting the whole day and trying hard to understand how it works which ensued late-night-rushing-and-kelamkabuting to get my report done on time.

Eldritch enough, after I have twitter account, I didn't sign in my facebook account for real!
*big round of applause*

Tuesday, April 5, 2011

I Wear My Heart on My Sleeve,

Sometimes in life, there are things you want other people to know but sometimes, you just don't know how to face them. I just don't know what's got into me. But I guess there is just something wrong with me. And I don't know what it is. Everything is just not right. So shut up. Did I just said shut up to myself? Ain't gonna happen. *chuckles*

Everything turned topsy-turvy when there was nothing happened literally. I'm throwing all my anger to anyone that happens to be with me.

I'm awfully sorry.

There's one thing for you to know, I can't change what's already happened. But, I'll try to change myself for what's going to happen.

No promises, I said I'll try.

Friday, April 1, 2011

True story.

 Some people dream of success while others wake up and work hard at it.


Monday, March 14, 2011

Timeless friend

After one whole week of mid term break, routine of waking up early in the morning, get your clothes well ironed, get homeworks and assignments all done, back to normal. Everyone seems to be excited to get back on the wheel. How awkward I don't feel like one.

As I step into the class, I could see hooray moments all over. People throwing questions like 'hey where did you spent your hols?', 'what did you do?', 'did you catch any movies?', so on and so forth. I can see everyone is wearing dazzling smiles all the time. Close friends ran to each other to get  one's arm, shows their affection after couples of days of not meeting.

But me? No. I don't feel the excitement that I used to have before. I know that I oughtn't show the emotion. But things haven't been that good nowadays. Mid term examinations, Japan's natural disaster, undone stuffs, cold treatment, communication breakdown. Everything. Somehow, experience has mellowed me. I believe everything happened for a reason.

I found friends that are truly friends, friends that would stand by me, and friends who are just friends by name. It may change my life, forever. I'm glad to say here that, I've fall in love with the word 'friend'. Which is not only a word to me. It means a world to me. They're beautiful. :)

Monday, March 7, 2011

I Can Do It!

I was loafing around when suddenly something struck my mind. Why am I here today? Who am I? What do I do? The answer of all the questions stand in one sentence. I am a student, who basically study for her future. Well, I have to think about my livelihood. Parents aren't going to support me until I'm grey.

Why am I doing this? Literally, because I need it. And perfectly not because I want it. I'm studying what I'm studying because I have to. Not because I want to. I passed my examinations just because I have to pass, not so much of what I understand in what I'm learning. (that's a lie, eventually I understand a tiny bit of it). I have to score not to let myself sit the same paper over again.

True fact is, I have to get the certificate to get me to higher level. Then, Im qualified for a better job perhaps. And maybe, there are posibilities that the jobs out there that are waiting for me does not even related with what I'm studying now. So what's the point? Destiny will leads me there. At the end of the day, one sentence describe everything. C'est la vie.

Thursday, February 24, 2011

I just woke up,

While everyone was presenting their whole stuffs, I sat at the edge of the class thinking that probably what they said is true. Reminisce couples of months ago when I decided to be real nice and be a new me, and say yes more than no, be the lass version of 'Yes Man', and somehow I found that perhaps there's a good reason to say no more than yes.

Yes theory was probably invented to change people's perception to a better cognitive map. I don't know, I'm not the founder of the theory nor a scholar. So tell me about the consequences of saying yes all the time? Nobody ever emphasize about the effect. But hey, I've learned from my very own mistakes. It took me some time to really get into the agenda. Maybe you won't feel it, because we wear a different size of shoes. Sorry for all those fake big smiles on my face, all those laughs that I made. And lately as I started to watch and learn, I think, I'm better off this way. Life gets better each day. :)

Wednesday, February 23, 2011

Ugly truth perhaps?

Have I ever let you down? Okay, maybe I did, once or twice or even more than 10 times, I know. But have I never listen to every little things you said? I doubt so. I may never seem interested in every words came out from your mouth or your text. But deep inside, only me, who knows, who understand everything that you said. As a quote goes, ' everyone hears what you say, friends listen to what you say, bestfriend listens to what you don't say'.

Let alone be within me. Okay, truth is I never really did show that I care. I do agree upon that. I never show that I concern. Because that's me, for a matter of fact that you have to accept. I don't mind being the shoulder to cry on, to lean on, or even being your punching bag. Infact, I'm glad to be one. It just that the way you let it out as if it was me to be blame. :'(

P/s : anyways, I had  a great day with you today. :) Just to let you know that I am.

Sunday, February 20, 2011

Thursday, February 17, 2011

If only we could pull out our brain and use only our eyes.

“Matisse makes a drawing, then he makes a copy of it. He recopies it five times, ten times, always clarifying the line. He's convinced that the last, the most stripped down, is the best, the purest, the definitive one; and in fact, most of the time, it was the first.”   
-Pablo Picasso

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

Lesson yet to be learn,

You and I. Both of us are students. We both study in the same track. Both of us have parents, both of us have buddies. You're smarter, I must admit. Remember a saying goes 'what goes around, comes around'? I do believe in karma. You always get back what you give whether it is good or bad. I prefer not to say much. I have a long journey to go through.

Patience is a virtue, yet mine is wearing thin. Sarcasm is not a good verbal communication as far as I have learned. Treasure friendship, not treacherous it. Precious moments turned to be precarious. Take a step back where we were last time, last semester, last year. Aren't we were good? Take a little moment and ask yourself. No more winding around. I can't please everyone anyway. At the end of the day, I get to watch myself in trouble to get up from a broken chair.

Sunday, February 13, 2011

There's so much I can't say,

It doesn't matter what to do, and which way you choose, it's wrong. You'll just have to see it the other way around.

Friday, February 4, 2011

Passion for fashion?

Just because you like to put on a beautiful Carolina Herrera dress or a pair of J Brand blue jeans instead of something basic from K-Mart it doesn't mean that you're a dumb person. 
-Anna Wintour

Thursday, February 3, 2011

Learn from yesterday,

Ten Spiritual Tonics
1. Stop worrying. Worry kills life.
2. Begin each day with a prayer. It will arm your soul.
3. Control appetite. Over-indulgence clogs body and mind.
4. Accept your limitations.
5. Don't envy. It wastes time and energy.
6. Have faith in people. Cynicism sours the disposition.
7. Find a hobby. It will relax your nerves.
8. Read a book a week to stimulate imagination and broaden your views.
9. Spend some time alone for the peace of solitude and silence.
10. Try to want what you have, instead of spending your strength trying to get what you want.
-Abraham L. Feinberg 

Once in a life time,

For every minute you are angry, you lose 60 seconds of happiness.

Thursday, January 27, 2011

Second Child Syndrome?

  • The first being that this child will neither be the oldest out of the siblings, nor the youngest. They will be in between, ME.
  • The child will not be a leader of sorts. They will prefer to follow the trends, ME.
  • The child will lack a specific focus, 100% ME.
  • They will have very very few friends. Mingling with people won't come very easily to them, SORT OF ME.
  • Relationships won't really be their forte. In fact they will try to shy away from it as far as possible, REAL ME.
  • They will be fairly shy. They will try to go unnoticed and stay out of the radar. Nonetheless, they will do enough to keep the ball rolling, QUITE ME.
  • They will be quite artistic and creative, err, artistic PROBABLY and creative, NO?
  • They hate doing monotonous work. SO YES!
  • They will not be able to perform under pressure, at all! THERE'S NO NO.
  • They are likely to do things that get them into trouble, simply as a way of seeking attention from you, Sorry, it's a YES.
  • They definitely hate a comparison to their older sibling. You simply must not say 'why can't you be like your brother/sister?', YES, I HATE IT.
  • You are bound to face a negative attitude, a lot of sarcasm, and persistent anger from them. Oh, that's ME!
  • Childish? Oh, WE just need attention. 

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Little did I know,

I guess I could be pretty pissed off about what happened to me. But it's hard to stay mad when there's so much beauty in the world. Sometimes I feel like I'm seeing it all at once, and it's too much. My heart fills up like a balloon that's about to burst. And then I remember.. to relax, and not try to hold on to it. And then it flows through me like rain. And I can't feel anything but gratitude for every single moment of my stupid little life. You have no idea what I'm talking about, I'm sure. Don't worry, you will someday. 

Thursday, January 6, 2011

I've gone lunatic.

Have you ever woke up from a dream and suddenly someone crossed your mind? Have you ever wish everytime you wake up someone will be calling you and say something as simple as 'hey'? Have you ever thought of having a one night long talking with someone on the phone till your cell's out of battery? Have you ever thought of spending some time stroll around the park with someone while eating something as light as ice cream or even scramble for tic tacs or skittles.

But instead of those things, you get to watch yourself running to your room just because you thought you heard the sound of vibration of your cell, but when you take a look at it, it's just a dull wallpaper set by you. And late at night, you could hear the sound of gasp when someone is weeping and you could feel a drop or two tears rolling down your cheek. It drag and eventually put you to sleep.

Monday, January 3, 2011


Everyone wants happiness without any pain,
but remember every rainbow needs a little rain.

My wish,

Can I have the stairs please?

Saturday, January 1, 2011

Nice to meet you Mr 2011,

As Mr. 2010 has been so good to me, I hope you will too my dear Mr. 2011.
Mr. 2010, I'm sorry for all my wrongdoings, my bad attitudes and all my mistakes.
You were so good and it's hard for me to say goodbye.
But life has to go on, and I promise you, I'll try my very best to change into a better person.
I'll try my best not to repeat the same old mistakes.
I'm turning to a new blank page and I'll try not to make a mess with it. :')